Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Somethin' Fierce

It's blowin' somethin' fierce out there as they say...and they do say.
Here's another picture I drew since Tosin liked the first one so much:
Hope that's big enough for you (TWHS).
     I had a great walk and time with some friends from the old country(home) this eventide. Saw the sunset, tripped on a twig, deprived a homeless man of a hatchet. You know, the usual.
     Being home has been refreshing. I'm pretty sure it put my brain into shock, being home from college on a Wednesday. I'm glad, that little shit needed a rude awakening.
     Do you ever have that thought about creating something grandiose? It's like you hear that one song, you know the one, and it just makes you want to do big things. You want to conquer the world all because you heard just one simple song. No? I must just be speaking to God, I heard he's into stuff like that.
     I overheard some rich gossip this evening at dinner at Jalisco's, the only mexican restaurant within a 20 mile radius. It's pretty big news for a Swedish town of 3,000 people. It's also kind of sad that the busiest restaurant in town is a mexican restaurant. They must be doing something right, besides the whole giving your stomach a re-enactment of Pickett's Charge as the gooey cheesy mess scampers through your intestines. It's grand jocularity. Anyway, the gossip went something like this: "I haven't heard her answer the phone much, it's always him answering the phone. I don't know what it means."
   Hot damn boys we have us a story! That's something to write home about for sure! What's sad is that this is the kind of stuff that people in my town will talk about for days on end. If someone were to step on somebody's tulip in their yard, we'd have the whole town in a mob setting with pitchforks and clogs to boot.
     That's all I've got for now, be sure to stop by Pearson tomorrow if you're looking for a great Rom-Com and some disparaging college boys.

Cosmic Love

I downloaded this song today: Cosmic Love Yes, I actually paid for content for once. I saw it in the tv show V. It's about aliens and shit. Kind of cool, but what was really cool was the love scene where this song came in. The hot alien chick (who looks like a human) and the guy dude start goin' after it, all intergalactic style. Gives me hope that if nothing ever pans out for me here on earth, there's always other species to be had.
Today is my mom's birthday! She's now older, wiser, crankier, emotional, and irritating to be around! Just kidding about some of those. I'm going home today to surprise her. Some surprise right? I merely have to show up from a 2 1/2 hour drive for an evening and boom, I'm a knight in shining armor swooping in to add somewhat exciting elements to my mother's day of birth which I'm sure she's excited about since she loves her mother so dearly. Should be fun. I also found out my brothers are going to Genesis tennis lessons in Wichita till 8. What kind of idiot would send their kids an hour away for most of the duration of their birthday? Oh I know, a smart idiot. Too bad though, you can't get rid of me! No distance will come between this boy and his eternal love for his caretaker! Not even the delicious dinner being had at the hall tonight. Oh shit, it's a delicious dinner, we might have to rethink this going home mother birthday thing. I wonder if she can reschedule?
     Today we did teacher evaluations in my math class. If you don't happen to know, and I'm sure you don't, my class is run by an Asian Dynasty. Well, more like one woman, but she makes it really tough to browse the web on your Apple iPod touch 8 GB (2nd Generation--with iPhone OS 3.1 Software  (Installed) [NEWEST MODEL] (this exact model). I say browse the web because I don't think I'd ever actually commit to anything on the web, even this blog (just kidding [not really {really}]).
     I have to go clog my arteries with chicken tetrazzini for the time being, it should be a scream.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Great Divide

There are mountains, valleys, and rivers. There are doors, locks, and levees. All serve their purpose, mostly boundaries. The boundary I reference is the cosmic divide that stands between myself, and the gorgeous inhabitants of this Earth we call women. Today, I took the first step on the rickety bridge to cross that divide, and it promptly broke and I fell through and now I have a broken ankle. I'll have to call maintenance to get that fixed (i.e. Ben and Jerry's).
Well, there's a girl in my History of African American Images in Film (Team Black) class that is a Hollandic Goddess. I shit you not. Well, she's very cute, and as one of my friends put it, she has the "ethnic flair". Here is the most abominable picturistic representation i could possibly give:

And the caption would read: "I'm from Holland! Isn't that hot?
Look people, my artistic skills aren't the greatest. So, this girl who I had never talked to, only got her name from the sign in sheet because it's the only one that's foreign, I was being coerced (or told to grow a pair) by my classmates/hallmates (we have about 7 of us together in the class from the hall) to ask her out to a rock concert tonight, cold turkey. Horrible idea, I know. You'll be relieved to know I didn't proceed with this course of diabolical destruction. Instead, I was on the verge of "wussing out" when my friend forced me up by the professor where she was sitting in the front row, right after class, positioning me to talk to her. I merely lingered behind him, feeling my genitalia shrink at an exponential rate. Thankfully, God hath rained down a ray of hope and for some ungodly reason, she also went to talk to the professor. This was my chance. I asked her if the name I had sheepishly stolen off of the sign-in sheet was correct, and then asked her about where she was from. Turns out it's Holland, big surprise there, I knew it was where all of the hot chicks resided. I asked her about study abroad and all that good stuff, and we went on our way. No way was I going to merely ask her to a concert upon the first time talking to her, even though I had indeed seen her many times, but she probably had indeed not seen me. It was a win for humanity, and fat people.
On the way out, my so-called "friends" asked me what went down, and I noticed her friend was at the back of the hall waiting for her, texting. Yes, hot chicks do not go without friends. I told them to be quiet because her friend heard everything, and as my luck would have it, her friend was also walking up the stairs right behind us. I have no idea how she could have galavanted so quickly to the stairs, as I was certain she was not trained in the ways of ninja. Anywho, I saw her, and things went deftly quiet in the staircase until I broke the seal with, "What's for dinner?". Smooth like butter. We'll see how that disaster plays out.
I made no-bakes after dinner because the dinner cooks didn't make their dessert. It's fine, I didn't really feel/like mediocre cherry cheesecake made by half-ass cooks anyway. No-bakes are a round, oaty ball of chocolate and peanut butter sex.
I went to the gym today with my black friend Tosin. I say black friend not to accentuate the fact that he's black and badass, but because the acronym can be shortened to BFT, which can mean a lot of things. Big f-ing ta-ta's is one. Busy Freaks in Transit is another. When we were approaching the building, we saw the strangest thing. There was a guy who was peering over toward the parking lot and staring at every car, which were like 40 feet away from him. If he was trying to examine the paint scratches on each car, he was doing a terrible job of it. Anyway, he also looked like he was trying to double as a spy that was trying to evade someone. He was terrible for a number of reasons.
1. He almost walked in to a shrub. It specifically states in the spy notebook that if you are going to be an effective spy, you cannot go careening into shrubs. That will most surely destroy the universe.
2. He was walking towards a gym. This is obviously an utterly stupid place to try and be avoiding someone. With all of the great and succulent tail that exits and enters that building, it'd be stupid to think that everyone's eyes aren't on red alert.
3. He looked like Indiana Jones. Stupid, I know. I just wish I could have delivered that message to him.
So anyway, he took a path that looked something like this:
Stupid, right?
My roommate is so badass, but I'll save that for another post. I'll leave you with this bit of glory: What would you say to a person that bought a desk chair 2 weeks before finals? You'd say he's a God and possibly the holy trinity for having such foresight and not waiting till the next semester? Ha, stop, you're being too kind.

Cyclic AMP

Lord Jesus, thank ye for bringing thy grace down upon my befallen mother. I know she hath taken a near eternity to relinquish two destitute computers from her grasp, and commit them to the world of IT where they can be made knew. Forgive her, for it is not her fault for straying off of the path of silicon. Bless her, bless those two macs, and forgive us our viruses.
In regular people's speak, my mom finally took our two shitty Macbook Pros in to get their power ports replaced! Ooh, sounds dirty don't you think? I'll write her a virus (wink face).
The past week or two, we've been enjoying the spoils of the projector I took from home, and viewing a picture show out on the front lawn every thursday eventide (my word for evening). I'm getting bold this week, ditching the inhaler, and going over to invite Kappa Sorority house to our mundane event. Sure, it doesn't have mass quantities of alcohol or smoking hot men decked out in douche capes (See picture below)

Joel McHale art a genius in coining that term.
But at least we are kind, genuine, and sincere, and have just as equal intentions as all of those "bros" but just not in such an obvious way. I mean, if I were a smoking hot sorority girl, why wouldn't I want to come to an event with a poster as fucking sweet as this:
I rest my case. For all of you out there wondering who I could possibly referring to as "we", how a person so utterly weird could possibly contrive friendships, I reply that I live in a scholarship hall. I equate it to a frat, but we're just not douchebags. Pretty cool, right? Even more, I live in the coolest of the Schol Halls, so that kind of makes us king of the nerds or something. All hail the motherboard!

Enough of this debauchery. I found out yesterday that I am going to Hawaii in two weeks! I was also less than a millisecond later reminded that I am in nowhere near the shape that I want to be for this grand adventure. Does anyone know of a crash course to lose 30 pounds in two weeks? Has anyone tried dying for a short while and then coming back to life? I wonder if that would produce more weight loss than just exercising. I should probably make a pro/ cons list:
Pro: Lose weight, be like Jesus
Con: Dead, slight chance I might not be the second coming of Jesus.

I'll have to weigh my options on that one. Anywho, I'm excited to go, to travel, to relax, and to be stuck on the most beautiful rock in the middle of nowhere.

My biology class that I should have been paying attention to is ending, guess my time is up for now.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Food for thought

This is a sweet ass picture I drew. I maybe exerted 1% of effort to do that. Wait, make it two, I had to export it...damn. My family came to my institution of learning this weekend. My brothers, 9 and 11 (no coincidence to the hallowed accident) reaffirmed their convictions that I am indeed stupid, fat, and retarded. Funny, I had begun to forget that I was any of those things. Not even that fact that I can't see my shoes when I look down reminded me of it. Thank god I have a 9 year old brother to constantly remind me that I'm a fat loser. Obviously, picking your nose and wearing the same shirt day after day is much cooler than college. Oh wait, I do that too...shit.
I was in a place today that I don't usually go: the Engineering Building. We had a poster project to create for chemistry that basically reaffirmed the fact that indeed, the lake on campus and the lake 10 minutes out of town are not exactly two peas in a pod when it comes down to the fecal coliform test. Oh ho, don't get me started on the fecal coliform test. Let's just say it separates the forks from the knives if you know what I mean (and I think you know what I mean). Anyway, I chanced upon a delectable selection amongst the savory selection of corn syrup-laden beverages, and this was no (Red)Bull. It was the illustrious MELLO YELLO! I thought for sure it had been condemned to the same fate as Surge years ago, and that it merely existed in a ghostly form at the overpriced silver screen. This was a moment of victory! For surely, if Mello Yello is on the rise, so is the acceptance of fat people! Soon enough, we will have Mello Yello to thank for the return of my kind. This shit is going to be biblical.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Cooking is food for your belly, not for the soul.

So this semester my grandiose dreams of ascending to the food-like throne of Emeril have been reduced to Lunch Cook, or as I call it: The art of heating things up. It really is painstaking work, especially with the ovens that Pearson Hall possesses. Those monsters take more coaxing than it takes me to coax myself to exercise (Be it known, this is a number so vast and so large, the scientific community has yet to quantify it). Once the two WWII relics of heat begin their ascent to a paltry 100 degrees below the temperature you set them at, and never quite attaining that temperature, lunch making is all but over. Simply insert some form of frozen chicken, coupled with some form of frozen potatoes, and Voila, lunch for 50 college students. No more will lunch take on these simple ways, for I tasked myself to whip up specialty items so rare and delightful for lunch, that even I sometimes haven't heard of them.
This leads to some interesting and stressful times in the PK (Pearson Kitchen) for me. My cooking partner, bless his heart, has yet to take any of the responsibility, but I digress. He is faithful nonetheless in helping me attempt to create the most scrumptious and taste-gasm inducing Lunches anyone this side of the SYSCO delivery line has seen.
Today, for example, was an interesting attempt at Turkey Tetrazzini and Green Bean Casserole. Tetrazzini might sound fancy, but it isn't, except for when you're trying to cook it for 50 people and it becomes a CF of ingredients in quantities even obese people couldn't handle. That's when you just throw all attempts of gourmet-ness not out the window, but into a pan that could double as a baby's crib. Shove that big nasty into the clutches of the inferno, and hope to god it's ready by 11:45. Talk about stressful.
It's really disappointing the day after a good workout when the stairs leading up to my classes seem even harder than the day I had been doing nothing but sitting on my trusty cheeks shoving my face full of dessert pizza and attempting to grasp the concepts of "Chemistry". Ridiculous, I know. It almost makes me want to plow through the two 5-gallon cartons of ice cream that so surreptitiously display the slogan "Made just for you" proudly on the outside. I call bullshit. If it was all made "Just for me", then what am I going to tell all of the other 47 guys in my hall? "Sorry guys, you can't have any of this horrendous amount of ice cream, I've got strict orders straight from the top that this is only to be consumed by yours truly". I'm sure that'll go off without a moonlight assassination attempt. In our hall, ice cream is like gold, and fruit gushers are silver coins. This is exactly why I have taken the liberty of stashing them all behind a geometric defense system of graham cracker and pudding boxes. Their future is in my hands.
Enough about food, isn't it beautiful outside? That's actually where I'm writing this post. It puts me in prime position to gawk at all the lovely women I'll never have a chance with, along with forming my very first swass of the year (connect the dots, you'll get it). I came to the realization sometime during this first year of higher learning that it is like a utopia of beautiful women, and nowhere else can this amount of good looks be found (besides strip joints). It almost makes me want to stick around for a few more years. Too bad I have to stick to that tight pre-med schedule, ouch! Maybe I'll just switch over to business, that should free up quite a bit of time.
Well I figure that's enough banter for now, the chick I had just set my sights of infatuation upon just caught on to the game I've been playing. Draw Cubes!